Saturday, February 27, 2010

Q&A with CERN physicist about the LHC

Adam: I like to thank you for your time.
CERN: No problem. Who do you work for again?
Adam: I'm just an independent.
CERN: Oh...
Adam: Whoever publishes my work.
CERN: Interesting... Hope it pays the bills.
Adam: I get by. How powerful is the Large Hadron Collider compared to other colliders?
CERN: Beyond your wildest dreams, Ron.
Adam: Try me. *trying not to laugh*
CERN: Presently, it's around 3 times more powerful, which we hope to get up to 7 TeV
Adam: How hot will collisions at the LHC be?
CERN: We once figured it would be 100 000 times hotter than the core of the Sun, but now it might be around 5 times more due to the recent collision temperatures at a weaker collider, the RHIC at Brookhaven.
Adam: How do you contain such heat?
CERN: You're joking, right?
Adam: Do I look like a physcist? *laughing*
CERN: No... you look like a moron. *sly grin*
Adam: You're so kind.
CERN: heh... don't quote that.
Adam: No worries...
CERN: The collisions at the LHC will release an amount of energy comparable to that of two colliding mosquitoes, so there's nothing...
Adam: What?! How was the energy witnessed by colliding mosquitoes to make that comparison?
CERN: You're not asking the right question.
Adam: Let me rephrase... How do you know that collisions between two mosquitoes is equivalent to colliding protons at the LHC?
CERN: *looking almighty* You are truly ignorant if you believe the doomsday crowd.
Adam: Huh... Don't changed the subject. School me if I'm ignorant. Provide proof of the proton mosquito comparison. Was it documented visually? Can I Google it?
CERN: Look, they're small, so logic would dictate...
Adam: You're kidding! That's how CERN came to their conclusion?
CERN: *looking less than mighty* You don't understand...
Adam: You spent billions of dollars on the LHC when you could have simply collided pebbles to produce the same results?
CERN: You're preposterous. There's no comparison...
Adam: ...But there is with mosquitoes?
CERN: *nerves* The energy from colliding pebbles is greater than...
Adam: Greater? Then I should be able to open another dimension by simply clapping my hands.
CERN: *looking upset* I think we're done.
Adam: Look, I wont quote any of it. Could you please answer a few more questions.
CERN: You are obviously trying to make us look crazy.
Adam: No... Just want to help calm your critics.
CERN: sure...
Adam: What do you expect to discover at the LHC?
CERN: *5 second pause, looking suspiciously* We are hoping to discover Higgs Boson, and maybe the existence of extra dimensions which is predicted by string theory.
Adam: Possibly create a portal to another dimension?
CERN: Maybe.
Adam: *Fake gaze of wonderment*
CERN: *smiling* Wouldn't it be amazing if we sent something through to another dimension, or something came out?
Adam: I'll be jumping for joy.
CERN: We're done. *Getting up*
Adam: Hey... You was wide open. I couldn't resist.
CERN: *Giving me the finger* Fuck you!
Adam: I deserve that. Serious, just one more question.
CERN: You know what, I'm curious. What's your next question? Don't forget the punchline after my response. *talking loud sarcastically*
Adam: Hey, twice you provided info I didn't ask for. I was just trying to make you comfortable with humor. Sorry if I offended you.
CERN: Next...
Adam: What's the difference between cosmic ray collisions with Earth particles compared to protons collisions at the LHC?
CERN: Cosmic ray collisions are millions of times more powerful than any collision the LHC will produce, and since we're still here is proof the LHC is safe.
Adam: On your site it states cosmic rays have created a million LHC's, so I take that as about the same.
CERN: *Dear in the headlights look* Either way, we're still here.
Adam: And why is that?
CERN: Particles that get hit by cosmic rays get bounced into space safely, so if a micro black hole was created by a cosmic ray collision, it wont cause us any harm.
Adam: How fast are Earth particles moving when they get hit by cosmic rays?
CERN: Compared to cosmic rays at collision, zero.
Adam: So earth particles are stationary before cosmic ray collisions compared to proton collisions in the LHC?
CERN: *Nerves* It's the same energy, so there's no difference.
Adam: But there is a difference. Cosmic rays are hitting stationary particles which get easily deflected at a high speed into space. Is there any deflection when protons at the LHC collide?
Adam: But they're colliding at the same speed?
CERN: I mean no... look... If a micro black hole is created it wont grow but evaporate due to Hawking Radiation!
Adam: Have anyone from CERN witnessed Hawking radiation in nature?
CERN: *ignoring question* Micro black holes are harmless, even if we created stable ones! They're so small there is no way it will accrete enough matter to cause us harm!
Adam: So you're now saying they'll grow, and you're ok with that?
CERN: *angry, turns into Jessep from A Few Good Men* Risk is what makes the world go round! If it wasn't for us scientists, you'll still be living in the stone ages! The chances of anything caused by the LHC that would threaten Earth's existence is miniscule. Hardly a blip on the radar! I rather see us die seeking knowledge than dying because of a nuclear war started by fools. Can you handle that?!
Adam: Um... nope.
CERN: *Looking stressed, still upset* Sorry... the outburst... *Leaning on table, hand over mouth*
Adam: *getting up* No problem... I'll would take up theater if I was you.
CERN: Yeah... *laughing*
Adam: Take care of yourself
CERN: *looking down, giving me the finger again*

No comments: